5 Stages of Grief That Come With Buying A Skinny Mirror
Skinny Mirror [skin-ee mir-er] noun.
• A mirror that’s surface is slightly bent at an angle that causes the reflected image to appear elongated and/or horizontally compressed.
• A mirror that makes you look skinnier than you actually are (duh)
• Ex: Retailers use skinny mirrors in fitting rooms to get you to buy more clothes
• See also: mind fuck, existential crisis, reverse body dysmorphia
Welcome to the honeymoon phase! Side effects include mild to severe cases of reverse body dysmorphia. As far as the mirror is concerned, you look great so you feel great. It was only a matter of time before your ‘diet’ started working. After all, you’ve more or less been experimenting with weight loss techniques since puberty.
The image in most skinny mirrors shows a just noticeable difference. The change is subtle enough to be believable, yet noticeable to make you a little cocky. The duration of the denial stage depends on how long it takes you to start looking in other mirrors. Seeing as how an ego boost can often enhance a females preexisting and innate obsession with reflective surfaces, it may not be long at all.
The phase that follows the realization of the sad truth that not every other mirror is a fat mirror. You will probably experience an impulse to break the mirror. As dramatic and satisfying as that sounds, it will likely be decided against because a) it will be a bitch to clean up; b) the only thing worse than having a skinny mirror would be having no mirror at all; and c) its supposed to be very bad luck.
You may not even be superstitious, but your recent discovery has led you to begin questioning the very foundations of reality. You are in a compromised state and therefore will fail to realize how giving an inanimate object the silent treatment is almost certainly one of the early signs of a serial killer.
You begin to begin showing signs of coming to terms with reality, but what if…
• If only I had invested $10 more to get a normal mirror…
• I bet I could look like that if I went vegan…
• How could I have been so conceited and delusional?
• What if I’ve been lying to myself for my entire life?
• It can’t be that bad can it…?
Self-explanatory – we’ve all seen Zoloft commercials. You say screw the ‘what ifs’ and begin to mourn the image of your former self. You lose interest in your once favorite activities such as online shopping, following food Instagram accounts, making fun of girls obsessed with the gym, etc.
The ultimate goal of any grieving process, and the long awaited return back to reality. To answer the question posed in Taylor Swift’s undeniably least catchy single; yes, we are out of the woods. While you will still have a love-hate relationship with your mirror (not unlike the way you feel about T Swift) it will no longer set off an existential, quarter-life crisis.