The Betches’ Guide to Camping


Betches aren’t exactly lovers of the great outdoors—we much prefer our AC and wifi—but sometimes, whether it be because you bought last-minute tickets to a music festival or because your parents are punishing you, a betch may find herself going camping. Camping in theory sucks because like you have to potentially come into contact with dirt and bugs and twigs and shit but depending on the circumstances it can be not awful or even in some cases actually fun. We’ve broken down a few common camping problems every betch is bound to face and come up with the best way so you won’t have to hit two rocks together to try to make a fire, or god forbid, drip dry.

Problem #1: Packing

Ugh, you mean I have to like go through my closet and shit and decide what I want to bring and fit it into some sort of bag? But that takes time and Mad Men is on.

Solution: bring everything.

A crop top to the woods? Why not? A winter jacket to Coachella, you never know. Plus it gets cold at night. This way you won’t have to go through that harrowing moment when you realize you’ve left your five-inch Loubs at home and you just simply cannot go an entire weekend without them.  When miles from civilization, or you know, the mall, a betch wants to be prepared for any possible situation. See, those 5 minutes year you were in Girl Scouts was totally worth it.

Problem #2: Sleeping on the ground

On the one hand, firm mattresses are supposed to be good for your back. On the other hand, you could roll over onto a rock. Ouch.

Solution: Don’t fucking do it.

If you’re at a festival, just buy a “glamping” pass, aka paying what some people might pay for a month’s rent for basically a gazebo with a cloth over it, and some decent-looking cots. Or just stay in a hotel. If you’re on some kind of family vacation, ditch your family and stay in a hotel, or threaten to sleep in the car with the windows rolled up until your parents stop smoking crack and agree to take you to Puerto Rico or something. If you’re at sleepaway camp and doing the whole “spend a night in the woods with your bunk” thing, just fake meningitis so you can get a room to yourself in the infirmary. What, like it’s hard? Or just like bring an air mattress with you. What do you mean they don’t have electrical outlets in the wilderness?

Problem #3: Water at festivals is like, super expensive / Running water isn't a thing in the forest

Solution: Bottled Water

Are you simple?

Problem #4: Peeing outside

Solution: ??

Apparently some genius invented this like funnel/tube thing for girls to pee out of that makes it so you don’t need to squat, or like you sort of have a dick. This is pretty weird, though, and I’m not sure why any self-respecting betch or person in general would go out and buy one of these. The best answer if you can pull it off is to just not pee for a couple days—if you believe it, you can achieve it. Otherwise, baby wipes and hand sanitizer. Lots and lots of hand sanitizer.

Problem #5: There’s not a sushi restaurant for at least a couple of miles…probably

Solution: Bring shit.

See #1 over packing. The great thing about being a betch is like no you won’t find a froyo place near your camp site but TG Diet Coke, gum, hummus, and vodka are all non-perishable food items.

So betches, even though it sounds like an oxymoron, camping can still be (sort of) betchy if you take the right precautions. And if all else fails, just get blackout. Nothing says “becoming one with nature” like getting so wasted you literally hug a tree.

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